When actor Bruce Wills and actress Demi Moore split, they had three daughters, all of whom wanted to be with both parents. It has been over seven years by now, and all of them are happy with the joint custody arrangements they made. However, not all parents are so matured or understanding. The newspapers and blog spots are buzzing with disgruntled parents with complaints about the unfair result of custody cases, and how it has devastated their lives. While it is relatively easier to suggest legal aid to them, it is not so simple to create a proper guide for them.
Coping with the Judgement
The initial reaction to a decision by the court to award custody to one particular parent usually has a very demoralising effect on the contestant who has lost.The first duty of the parent who loses the custody battle, is to work out the details of the visitation."
- Put an end to the fight: There has to be a point beyond which you have to look towards a compromise, in the best interest of all around you. Dragging on with a case will take up more time, money, and will make it increasingly bitter. However, if the judgement is unfair to the point of being detrimental to your child’s welfare, then you have to fight it out for his or her sake.
- Visitation: Find out in full detail what are the rules and regulations, and what is permissible by law. Apart from your solicitor, legal groups, social organisations for divorced parents and the internet offer information on this. Ensure that you are not getting an unfair deal here, because it will be very difficult to change things, in fact, mostly impossible, once the stamp is affixed on the deed.
- Agreement: If you have doubts about your partner’s intentions, and feel that you may be barred from visiting your children according to your rights, make up an agreement that would be sanctioned and enforced by the court. This is going to be a major safeguard in the future.
- Counselling: If you find yourself bending towards smoking, binge drinking or other harmful habits, do not hesitate to go to a professional counsellor. You love and want your children around, so it is only normal to feel depressed. It would help to unburden yourself to someone, and the next person beside you at the pub may not be the wisest choice.
- Be sure you can do it: Are you sure that you are going to take up the responsibilities of the visitation? If you are irregular, it would scar your children emotionally for the rest of their lives. If you are unsure about being able to keep it up, discuss it before agreeing to it.
Keeping In Touch
- Mails and chats: It is a good and informal way to keep in touch with the children. Chances are that they would find it more ‘cool’ as well. Sometimes, it is easier to express the emotions that you feel in writing. The impersonality that email or chats have is sometimes conducive to breaking down that barrier between your child and you. A behavioural studies survey revealed that children, especially teenagers, respond more to mails than to phone when in trouble.
- Regular visits: Fix a time, and be punctual about it. It is not so easy to keep to the schedule, but if you are really in touch, you would be able to work out the timings according to everyone’s satisfaction.
- Update yourself: Make sure you know what’s going on in your children’s lives. Ask them about their studies, activities, sports. They would not believe that you care if you forget those little details that are so important to them.
- Friend and confidante: As children grow older, you will have to be more of a friend than a parent. If they want you as a confidante, make sure you are there to hear it all, because they are depending on you.
- Be fair: No matter how angry you are at your ex, do not speak spitefully about them to the child.
In the end, it is up to the uniqueness of your situation. Just remember, the children are yours too.
