Divorces often leave behind a residue of ugliness and pain. It is hard to face and even have a decent conversation with an ex. But social psychologists argue that, in many cases, it becomes essential and necessary to maintain an amicable relationship with your ex.
Children: Divorces become painful, traumatic and many-sided when there are children involved. It becomes imperative for the ex-spouses not to think as single partners but as parents – not as individuals but as one unit. One has to understand and view the situation from the child’s perspective. The kid loves both parents and wants both to be happy and successful. Thus, it becomes extremely painful and depressing to see both loved parents argue in court with hatred. Many times, such arguments force the child to develop a negative mindset. The child begins to blame himself or herself. Thus, it becomes critical for both parties to think of the child first. They have to act as a family and consider the child’s best interests. Both individual partners have to be cordial towards each other and follow some basic rules to maintain a healthy communicative relationship with the child. In other words, an amiable relationship with each other is bound to go a long way in ensuring the seeds of a trusting and lasting relationship with the child.
- Never use the kid as a middleman in your conversations with your ex -- don’t put him or her in the middle and force the child to take sides
- Never use the kid to spy on the social or professional life of your ex
- Always try to be detached and friendly towards your ex and his or her new family in front of your child
- Never accuse or blame your ex for the divorce in front of the child
- Never criticise and point out previous mistakes made by the ex in front of your child
The enforcement of these fundamental rules ensures that that you are able to have a healthy and cordial relationship with your ex. One has to remember that it is not possible to be on good friendly terms with the ex. Social psychologists state that one has to keep a check on oneself also.
- It is inadvisable to engage in a telephonic conversation with your ex after the divorce
- Do not go to party at any club your ex frequents
- Do not indulge in a sexual relationship with your ex immediately after divorce
- Do not date your ex immediately after divorce
- Try to change your lifestyle – way of dressing, life activities and hobbies
- Go in for personal counselling and develop new interests in life
- Try to pursue your desires and professional ambitions – get your confidence back
Usually, couples do not follow this advice and end up in a cold war even after divorce. The chances of a cold war occurring decrease if the divorce is a mutually consented one. In this case, the ex-spouses do not blame one another as both wanted it. However, it becomes extremely important for parents to stress the importance of the child. Many times, the child may feel left out as the parents move on to a new life. The child feels unwanted as he or she is a part of the past – a past which both parents want to forget. Thus, it becomes critical for the parent to emphasise the happiness and joy the child brings into their lives. They have to state that though the marriage failed – it did bring them unfound joy in his or her form. The child has to be appreciated for all his or her patience and love for both parents. This is crucial in an uncontested divorce when both individuals do not want to live together within the marital bond anymore.
However, maintaining friendship with ex becomes critical in a contested divorce. There are deep psychological and mental effects of the acrimonious divorce. If the divorce reasons and proceedings are not put in perspective, it could hurt and damage the child’s fragile personality. The partners have to put the child above their own needs and wants – what does the child want? According to social psychologists, the parties in a contested divorce have to strike a fine balance. They have got the divorce for themselves and now it is time to satisfy the wants of their child. Thus, they have to maintain a friendly relationship and greet each other whenever they meet. This is frequent:
- During visitation schedules
- During payments – the ex might come to the house
- Sending presents and gifts to the child on occasions – ensure to include greeting for your ex
- Engaging in school activities together to help the kid – meeting the teachers and going for games and presentations
- Helping out your ex – babysitting and doing errands whenever possible
This ensures a healthy amicable relationship with your ex and also builds respect and love for you by your kid. However, it is not advisable to immediately build friendly relations with an ex after divorce. It is important to release and let go of all negative emotional baggage before thinking about the child and his or her needs. After all, one is human and it is natural to have some time to oneself to sort out negative feelings before striking out in the open and developing an amiable relationship with the ex.
