The effects of a disaster are long-term and immense. The disaster can either be global or focused. When a disaster occurs, two categories of people get affected by it: the perpetrators and the innocent bystanders. This is similar to a divorce situation – not only does it impact the individual partners but also the children involved. There is no doubt that the effects of divorce on children are far-reaching and catastrophic. Usually, these effects are negative in nature. It is the duty and responsibility of each parent to mitigate these negative effects.
Open Communication: It is always advisable to sit with the kids and talk to them frankly and openly about the divorce. Developmental psychologists argue that a two-way direct communicative method allows children thinking time – time to question and accept. The couple needs to be unselfish and put the child first – the kid has to be the first priority. Thus, it becomes extremely important to discuss the various divorce issues and circumstances leading to it. But the conversation should stay the course focusing on a few topics:
- Not Blaming Anyone: The parents ought to adopt a neutral manner during the entire conversation. They have to stress the fact that legal separation or divorce was the last recourse reached through mutual agreement. This is critical – the child needs to understand that the divorce was a mutual decision and, not anybody’s fault. In short, the conversation needs to be devoid of blame games.
- Reassurance: Parents have to reassure the child of their constant love and support. They have to inculcate a sense of belonging in the child even though his or her parents are not going to be together. Parents should make the child feel secure stating that even though things may have changed, their love for him or her will always remain unchanged. The child needs to know that he or she is important to both parents and can speak with either one of them any time he or she wants.
- Face Reality: Care should be taken not to create fallacies for the child – parents need to make the child face reality, no matter how harsh it is. This is important as, if not brought face-to-face with reality, there is a tendency for the child to develop a split personality and pose a threat to society in adulthood. Thus, parents need to be firm but gentle with children. They need to make it clear that they are getting divorced – they are going their separate ways and will not be getting back together again.
- Avoid Criticism: Parents need to see the situation from a child’s perspective. For the child, both parents are equally loved. One cannot force the child to choose. Thus, parents must not criticise or make fun of each other in front of the kid. They need to maintain a civil and cordial speaking relationship with each other in front of the children. There is another important facet to this point involving the level and nature of treatment. Children should be viewed as children and not made to bear any emotional baggage of parents. In other words, parents should try to control their negative feelings and avoid their display in front of children. They should not fight, argue and spy on each other’s activities. When this is done, it usually gives birth to insecurity within children leading to violent behaviours.
Professional Help: Children react in two ways – public display of emotions i.e. shouting, screaming, engaging in aggressive behaviours towards animate and inanimate objects, sulking, tantrum- throwing and, the second manner of just bottling away emotions and cementing them deep down. Parents need to understand and identify the reaction type of their child. Accordingly, the child needs to be sent to a professional therapist or counsellor who is able to draw out the child. This is essential as cementing emotional feelings could later impact adulthood and turn divorce victims into anti-social elements. Thus, professionals come into the fray to help children sort out their disturbed and confused emotions. Children may feel torn between parents and may resent talking to them openly. In such cases, it is advisable to consult a counsellor who can make the child open up through various behavioural and personality development exercises. The parent can also approach a neutral friend, neighbour or even a relative to try and talk with the child. Usually, schools engage the services of a full-time counsellor or behaviour therapist to try and deal with such sensitive issues. Therapy encourages a constructive dialogue making the child come to terms with his or her negative emotions and reactions. It is essential for children to be able to discuss their feelings and to be reassured that they have nothing to worry about concerning the divorce. A major aim of professional counselling is to make sure that the child does not feel ashamed or guilty about his or her feelings. The child needs to be told that his or her behaviour is normal. The child needs to be comfortable about all that is going on around them and adjust accordingly.
