Too many cooks spoil the broth – and too many instructions spoil the child. There are certain things in life where a wide variety of choices is not wanted. A lot of importance is being given to the financial distress of a sizeable portion of the child population of the
The thing that is lacking is constructive concern. Gathering armloads of statistics will not help to paint a fuller picture. We know that children suffer when families fall apart. The question is how do we lessen this suffering? Children need instructions, but if there are too many of them, a confusion is created. A set of more or less fixed ‘guidelines’ to help them along in life is what they really need. If these principles are simple, clear and backed by reason, they would be easier to follow.
Two Families – One Rule
In the light of the above factor, it is imperative that both families follow the same set of rules after divorce, where children are concerned. Strangely enough, this is an area which has not received much attention from counsellors or social scientists yet. Most of the surveys offer statistics related to a problem – the numbers of children having mental disorders due to divorce, the dropout rate, alcoholism among teens, vandalism and the history of gang wars in London – It’s all there. But somehow, there is not much data on the causes of the problems. And one of the major causes is definitely this confusion regarding rules for the two houses. Whether the child continues to live under the same roof or not – divorce has an uprooting effect all the same. There are certain factors that need to remain fixed, in order to impart some measure of stability in their lives, and make it easier for them to cope with.
Importance for Parents
No one plans a divorce – not even people who go for prenuptial agreements. Anyone who walks down the aisle is all set to make it work out for the rest of life. Even if things are already bitter between a couple, divorce is not on the cards while planning for a child either. In fact, many couples choose to become parents in order to bring a measure of stability in their lives. Apart from the euphoric feeling of being parents, it is equally important to realise the weight of the responsibility of bringing another human being to the world. There are certain norms that all parents follow after the child is born, even if they don’t consciously refer to them as ‘rules’. If they can manage to follow the same rules after divorce, it will bring a certain amount of stability and surety in their lives too. Everything that a father does may not be possible for the mother, and vice versa. There are two solutions to this problem. One is, of course, going for either joint custody or very regular visitations, so that each parent is able to follow his or her assigned role. The other solution is more tough, but can be tried out in the cases where it is applicable. The current partner of the divorced parent may take up the duties of the father or mother, as the case may be.
The problem is that children often reject the ‘new daddy’ or ‘new mummy’ causing a lot of pain and confusion for everyone around them (including themselves). A divorced parent needs to deal with such sensitive issues with extra care. The new partner, after all, is his or her choice, and the child may not be able to automatically agree to it. Following the rules of the former household will benefit everyone in such cases. There would be an element of comparison initially, and it will probably not be in favour of the present partner. Patience is the keyword here, and it is true that time is the greatest healer of all, as long as we know how to utilise it. Following the same rules has a therapeutic effect on divorced couples, suggest some counsellors. A set pattern of life becomes a cornerstone for those who live alone with a child after divorce in a new surrounding. The former habits act as a kind of mental anchor for them, and help to get other activities, as well as the present pattern of their lifestyle arranged around these rules. This obviously helps them to manage their lives better, and forces them to stay active instead of spending a lot of time on brooding.
Importance for Children
This has already been discussed at the beginning. To summarise, living under a set of uniform rules helps children to stick to their former pattern of life, thus making it more stable for them even when they are otherwise ‘uprooted’. It helps them to keep studying in the same grades at school. It also alleviates the need to look for ‘other’ ways (such as drug abuse or drunken brawls) to fill up the gap left in life by the absence of normal daily activities.
The trick lies in executing all of this successfully. It is up to the parents to realise their duties and do them, no matter what.
