“What men call gallantry, and gods adultery,
Is much more common where the climate’s sultry.”
- Byron, Don Juan, 1
The ‘climate’ to which Lord Byron refers to in these lines has nothing to do with meteorology and to some extent with promiscuity. Perhaps he may also be referring to the emotionally parched climate of a marital landscape. The infidelity is certainly a devastating thing that can happen to a marriage, yet, it is also symptomatic of the fact that everything is not fine, so far as that marriage is concerned. Above all, it is indicative of a chronic communication gap between the two spouses. They were certainly not open with each other and somewhere down the lane, stopped keeping track of each other’s life. Stealth and secrecy are the indispensable accomplices of any extramarital affair. Infact, what hurts the most is that your partner tried to hide such a serious thing from you. Things may unfold themselves in a variety of ways. Sometimes the news of betrayal comes to a faithful spouse, like a bolt from the blue, leaving him/her aghast and dumbfounded. Other times, the things reveal themselves as a series of indications and doubts, denied halfheartedly, over a long period of time, till the reality becomes undeniable and comes out into the open. Once you become aware of the infidelity of your spouse, what will you do? What will be your response? What should be your response? How will you come to terms with it? Of course you can’t keep on sitting like a Dodo, letting things go the way they will or the way your adulterous partner wants them to go. It is the time to take a grip.
There are certain myths prevalent about adultery. It is considered that only unhappy marriages are susceptible to adultery. While the fact is that even the most successful of marriages may come across such an episode, at some time in their lives. People believe that most of the times it is only the men who resort to adultery. Statistics has shown that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women are prone to indulge in an extramarital affair in their lives. To hell with statistics! If you are facing a situation of infidelity by your spouse, certainly you have a bulky emotional baggage to deal with. In most of the cases, the initial response to such news is that of anger and betrayal, which slowly gives way to cynicism and depression. Many times you try to deny the facts, again and again, convincing yourself that it is perhaps just a doubt or the situation is not that serious. Certainly, a restrained attraction towards opposite sex is indicative of sexual health and maturity. But what I am talking about is a full blown extramarital affair. Such a scenario will be excruciatingly painful for you and you may feel rejected by a person who vowed to stand by you for the rest of his/her life. You feel unwanted and perhaps personally responsible for your spouse’s foolishness. Your self esteem plummets to an all time low. You question and re-question you role again and again. Perhaps, there may be an urge to justify, what your spouse did. Hold on! Stop blaming yourself and don’t feel helpless. There are ways to tackle such a situation, whatever the outcome be.
Faced with such a situation, the first thing to do is to seek the help of an emotional support group, so as to resuscitate your self esteem and mental poise. Friends, siblings and relatives can help a lot in the form of advice and support. No dilly-dallying will do. The single most important step that you can take, that will help your marriage is to confront your spouse. Open the clogged channels of communication with an attitude of openness and honesty. Ask your spouse, why he/she did such a thing? What were the reasons behind it? Often the sex is not merely about sex alone. What possible impact will it have on you and your marriage? If you feel that flustered emotions and anger are hampering any meaningful and responsible communication, you may seek the help of a counsellor. It will give you an opportunity to communicate in an atmosphere of restraint and neutrality. Above all be patient, if you want to continue with your marriage. Even if your spouse cooperates, it will take some time to get the things back on the track. In case your spouse acts irresponsible on a continuous basis and repeatedly tries to justify himself/herself by unrealistically maligning your role in the marriage, then perhaps it is the time to call it a day. It is not possible to trust an irresponsible person. If you opt for a divorce, you are not the first to do so. And never try to get the children involved into this. The have the right to make their own opinion and will be able to sort out the things and come to the right conclusion.
