Has your spouse lately been sparing less energy and time for your children, you and other household affairs? Do you have a strong inkling that he/she is neglecting his/her career and other responsibilities? Does there exist a serious communication gap between you two since the last few months? Is your husband abusing you financially, denying you the usual financial support and freedom of late? Has he/she suddenly become critical of your views, choices and beliefs? If the answer to most of these questions is yes, there is a strong possibility that perhaps your spouse is having an extramarital affair.
Psyche of the Faithful Spouse
Spousal infidelity is a very tough situation for any person, especially for the one who has been faithful and committed to the marriage, throughout. The news of spousal infidelity is often accompanied by a lethal emotional impact and may leave you almost benumbed and flabbergasted. The very first response is mostly that of denial and disbelief. You stubbornly refuse to believe that your spouse has been unfaithful to you, despite all the incriminating evidence. It is a situation of intense emotional trauma and has the potential to change you forever. You may find yourself seething with a sense of helpless rage because of the unwarranted rejection and betrayal from your spouse. It really hurts to know that the person who promised to stand by you till the end has left you for someone younger, more attractive or may be affluent. You may find yourself enveloped in a blanket of dismal insecurity, continuously aggravated by undying, dark forebodings. Your self esteem may dip to an all time low. What is advisable under such circumstances is that you need to calm down and regain your poise, as soon as possible. Whatever you are feeling is very normal. Any genuine person will feel the same in such a situation. In fact the more committed you are, the more acute will be your sense of hurt and betrayal.
Psyche of the Unfaithful Spouse
Infidelity is often an individual’s way of dealing with personal weaknesses and deficiencies. The erring spouse often loses or ignores all sense of right and wrong. Devoid of any ethical compass, he/she is strongly fascinated by the object of his/her gratification, to the extent of it being an addiction. The unfaithful spouse may often try to assuage his/her sense of guilt by defaming or maligning the faithful spouse. He/she portrays his/her spouse to be the cause of all his/her maladies. Often the memories are reinvented and the marriage is declared to be lousy and painful, right from the very first day. Your adulterous spouse may pretend to be the victim of a bad marriage and will sincerely expect you to believe this. In fact he/she may go to the extent of convincing you to take the entire blame for this reckless act on his/her part. He/she may try to get the children involved and may attempt to project you as a bad parent before them.
Myths About Infidelity
There are certain myths about infidelity, prevalent in the contemporary society, which need to be busted. Often it is believed that only unhappy marriages are prone to extramarital affairs. While the fact is that extramarital affairs just happen and may invade even genuinely happy and normal marriages. It is widely held that only the men are predominantly prone to extramarital affairs. In reality the fairer sex is almost as susceptible to extramarital affairs as their male counterparts. According to a recent survey, 15% of women and 25% of men have had extramarital affairs at some time or other in their lives.
What to Do
The first thing to do is, stop blaming yourself. An extramarital affair is your spouse’s way of coming to terms with his/her shortcomings and you are in no way responsible for it. To restore your battered self-esteem, seek support and advice from friends and well wishers. Confront your spouse, assertively but tactfully and try to open him/her up. Seek to identify the possible causes and be sincere and open in your approach. If your spouse proves to be responsible and cooperative, the situation may be rescued, no matter how hopeless it appears. Both of you need to give vent to your feelings of guilt, remorse, hurt and pain. It will take time, but somehow the previous levels of trust and faith may be re-established with effort. On the contrary, if your spouse acts adamant and repeatedly tries to deny or justify his/her act, you need to re-think. Not all extramarital affairs end in a divorce, but sometimes a divorce may be the only way out to regain one’s sense of self-worth and control.
