Divorce is final. Separation is not. Those who are not very sure that they want to end the most important relationship of marriage, those who still have hope for a recovery, choose separation rather than divorce. There could be other reasons for separation such as religion. In 1995, only 23% of separations in the U.K. resulted in divorce, and that, too, by mutual consent.
Separation Defined
After a breakdown of a marriage, the partners, with the help of their lawyers, enter into a separation agreement which is a contract that defines how the partners will deal with each other in terms of children, money, etc. A separation agreement is the best way to avoid the involvement of the court, and may be drawn up even after litigation has begun.
What You can Expect to Feel
Although it is not final, many counsellors compare separation to the grieving process that people go through after the death of a loved one. Feelings of love, anger, and sadness cloud one’s judgment, so that one is completely confused. You may be surprised by the things you say and do. You may find it extremely difficult to separate your emotions from the negotiation and litigation process. You may even affect the children in negative ways.
Most couples, despite their intense emotional state, are able to resolve their issues with the help of a mediator, but if they cannot do so, litigation is the only option. According to several studies done on the subject, mediation helps couples arrive more at a moral contract than a legal one. They can relate to each other and to their children without rancour and resentment. Therefore, in the end, even the children are benefited.
But what happens if one of the partners adopts a threatening stance such as running away with the child, doing something rash to the family property, or when abuse seems imminent? In such cases, litigation becomes necessary.
The Right Marriage Counsellor Can Save Your Marriage
Whether you have opted for separation because of religious or other issues such as emotional or physical abuse, the right counsellor can help. If you are thinking of remarriage, be aware that 75% of second marriages end in divorce so why not try and save what you have?
What a good counsellor can teach you is not just how to communicate more successfully with your partner, but also to transform your relationship.
Research indicates that marriage counselling affects both mental and physical health in beneficial ways, and can improve a troubled relationship. It depends on how much you want the relationship to stay. If you do, be prepared to change your attitude even if your partner refuses to do so. You will find that change can be infectious. Don’t waste any time; try counselling right away, or the conflict may become impossible to resolve.
If your partner or you yourself are addicted to alcohol or drugs, the conflict becomes more serious. The difficulty is to get out of the denial stage and admit that you need professional help. The counsellor will encourage you to help and support each other through the trauma of rehabilitation. One thing is clear: addictions must be overcome if the relationship is to continue.
Being Good Parents after Separation
Parents will always remain parents even after they have ceased to be partners. There is permanent bond between parents, and it had better be pleasant. However, it is not easy to put the children first in such a trying situation. It is difficult to refrain from using your children as a weapon, and speaking unkindly about your former partner in front of them.
Give and Take
Since a negotiation is a process of give and take, it is almost certain that you as well as your ex may be dissatisfied with any of the aspects of the agreement. If you disagree at this point, so will your ex, and this will result in further conflict. Once the agreement has been signed, it is not easy to change any part of it without incurring extra legal fees, besides the wrath of your partner. If you feel you just have to change something, you will need to convince the court that you have a good reason for requesting an amendment. Either you must show that there was a serious flaw in the way the agreement was reached, or that there was a radical change in circumstances since the time of the signing.
Be warned that if you decide not to comply with the agreement, your spouse can take you to court. If it is a court order, you can be jailed and fined for contempt of court. And yes, you will lose your lawyer and will have to start from scratch.
Give your marriage a chance.
