Life after divorce can be quite a challenge – challenge to pick up the pieces and move on. A divorcee has to make herself or himself whole again by engaging in professional therapy to regain lost self-esteem, motivation, enthusiasm and energy levels. Once the divorcee attains back all these diminished qualities, he or she is raring to move back into the action of life events. But social psychologists and counsellors point out that has to be done with caution and not haste. Moving ahead in full speed can upset many fragile personalities such as those of near family including parents and children.
It becomes imperative for every divorcee to involve family members in his or her new life. This includes open communication channels including frank meetings and exchange of views. Research indicates that on an average, more than 42% of first-time divorcees remarry after four years of divorce. According to counsellors at the social organisation of Relate, more than 28% of divorced women enter the dating arena after two years of divorce. In contrast, more than 59% of men date actively only after six months of divorce. This does not reflect on the personal behaviour of men and women. It merely indicates that the marriage IQ within women is higher than in men. Research suggests that men above the age of 65 date online giving out personal advertisements to date single eligible women in the age group of 21-30. The advertisement does not include children and family responsibilities.
The advertisement displays a sexist but popular trend in modern society. People are willing to date divorcees, but the condition is that the divorcees have to be single. The minute they realize that the attractive person they are dating is a single mother or father; they are out of the door in a flash. This happens because children complicate matters and bring forth additional responsibilities and worries.
- The divorcee has to keep contact with the ex-husband for the sake of the children
- The children are bound to remain loyal to their father or mother and, therefore, resent the new person their mommy or daddy is dating. In fact, social psychologists argue that this resentful behaviour can actually dictate parental behaviour – kids usually behave awfully before the date and succeed in driving him or her out of mommy or daddy’s life. Their perception is simple – no other person can take their mommy or daddy’s place.
Thus, it has usually been noticed that personal ads for online dating do not mention the fact of whether the person has children or not. A regular online dating ad usually does not include specifics of age, physique, child status and education details. For the divorcee, dating is a way of combating loneliness, making new friends and developing companionship, and if sexual intimacy comes wrapped in the folds, it is for the better Thus, a divorcee does not want to ward off attractive dates without having the pleasure of seeing them once also. A typical ad usually says – middle-aged divorcee, buxom with flaxen hair, seeks young dynamic tall man in his forties with good job in any profession – or it could read ‘I am a young divorcee, brunette, tall, seeking attractive company of men above the age of 45…’ Websites of online social dating state that where single divorced women are on the lookout for older rich men who can pamper their every fancy and demand, older men want younger women for the sole purpose of sexual intimacy. These websites claim that older men indulge in body massages and facials to look young and attractive for younger women.
But, in the midst of all this, children suffer deeply. Developmental psychologists point out that children have sensitive psyches which fear rejection and abandonment at every turn of life. When a child sees the divorced parent turning to dating and enjoying new company of the opposite sex, this confusion grows. The child is bound to feel unwanted and unloved. This feeling of insecurity is compounded by the lack of attention bestowed on the child by the divorced parent. The child feels hurt, angry and miserable. He or she does not approve of their divorced parent’s new way of life including her date and friend. This dislike usually turns into raging hatred and fear of not being wanted and rejected. This could bring forth many unpleasant outcomes:
- Child could run away from home
- Child turns to alcohol and other drug abuse
- Child develops bullying and socially aggressive behaviour
- Child could develop sleep and skin disorders of stress
- Child could become psychosocial in nature
- Child might become antisocial with schizophrenic behaviour
- Child might keep bad company becoming pregnant as a teenager
Thus, if a divorced parent does want to enter the dating scene, it is key to keep the child involved and up-to-date. Sometimes, the divorced parent can even consult the child and keep the communication channel open at all times. This measure usually helps the divorced parent avoid these unpleasant outcomes.
