We commonly believe that physical abuse in a marriage is only inflicted upon the “weaker” sex. But, contrary to commonly held belief, men are often abused by their girlfriends or wives. However, the occurances of male victims are still far fewer in comparison to their women companions in suffering. 85% of the victims of domestic violence are women, while male victims account for just 15% of the cases. Physical abuse in a marriage is an ever present global fact.
Are You Physically Abused by Your Partner?
One third of victims of abuse in a relationship are women. Every 15 seconds a woman is abused somewhere in the world. Abused victims, cutting across national boundaries, share certain common traits.
- They have low self esteem as a result of constant battering
- They are lonely. Violent spouses often attempt at isolating their spouses.
Abusers similarly follow a general behaviour pattern:
- Anger is their weapon
- Their angry arguments often escalates the tension
- Tension aggravates verbal attacks
- This soon assumes the form of a physically violent outburst
- Violence is followed by remorse, a profuse apology
- Normalcy is finally restored, but temporarily before the next incident
Once normalcy is restored, the victims grin and bear the abuse for they are too ashamed to speak about it. Moreover, incidents of violence are sporadic and they often feel guiltily responsible for eliciting violence out of their spouse.
All the abused people should clearly remember one singularly important fact. They are never responsible for domestic violence. Their spouse has consciously learnt the violent behaviour by;
- Being exposed to domestic violence at home
- Believing in gender superiority
- Exercising their will to control or
- Having some serious psychological developmental impairment that seeks cover in the grab of violence.
Though the victim is not responsible for the inducement of violence, the continuation of it depends on the sufferer’s reaction. Financial insecurity, fear of the future or children’s safety, etc, silences many. And, continued silence only aggravates violence.
What can be done About Spousal Violence?
Spousal violence evokes fear. And, a life lived in fear is terrible. Victims of violence must reach out and seek help. Such situations cannot be dealt with individually.
The abusive spouse often expresses remorse after physically violent outbursts. But remorse does not cure violent behaviour. Neither is violent behaviour a disease or a sickness. Help of counsellors must be sought. Counsellors unanimously agree that marriages can be saved if both the partners are willing to attend counselling sessions. These sessions teach the abusive spouse anger management techniques to help eliminate violent behaviour completely.
But, if the spouse refuses to meet a counsellor, or if counselling fails to have the desired impact, then divorce could be the only answer. It takes about 3 years to terminate marital relationship after seeking a counsellor’s help
Is Divorce the Way Out?
Divorce is the way out if victims of violence constantly suffer from;
- Feelings of constant unhappiness
- Reduced energy levels and lack of enthusiasm to work
- Difficulty in making decisions or concentrating
- Low self esteem
Many abused victims have left their partners when violence failed to abate. Continued violence would only lead to physical and verbal assaults.
Many women delay divorce fearing the future of their children. But, children only benefit when such high conflict marriages come to an end. However, abused women even fear initiating the divorce proceedings for fear of losing custodial rights of their children.
Cases of marital violence are complex and only attorneys experienced in such cases can handle them effectively. Keeping ready documents of abuse, photographs of injury inflicted by the abusive spouse, medical records of the treatment taken, etc help during the divorce proceedings.
Even after the divorce, the courts may insist on co operative parenting. Meeting the ex spouse in the post divorce period should be in a strictly neutral zone, preferably a public area. Safety should be prioritised.
Though, the abused spouse suffers post-divorce traumatic stress it is a temporary phase. All effort must be made at developing a positive attitude. Renewing normal life after such traumatising experience is difficult.
It is sheer courage that has prompted the abused to act in face of violence. Violence is learnt behaviour and counsellors help the violent unlearn such tendencies. If counselling sessions fail to modify behaviour patterns, then divorce is the only recourse.
