To divorce or not to divorce, that is the big question weighing on the minds of many unhappily married people. Many years ago, divorce was frowned upon, if not outright condemned, for moral and religious reasons. And unhappily married parents usually stayed together for the sake of the children. However, the world’s standards have changed radically in more recent times. Today, divorce has become common and routine and marriage seems to have lost its sanctity.
Yet, despite the wide acceptance of divorce in society, more and more parents, judges and social scientists are expressing concern about the bad effects of divorce on children. Parents are being urged to think of the consequences of divorce not only for themselves but for their kids too.
Divorce Does Impact Kids
A family counsellor once said: “Divorce does not rescue or come to the aid of children. It does sometimes rescue adults, however.” The reality is that by divorcing, parents may resolve their own dilemmas but at the same time they unwittingly manage to deliver an emotional blow to their children who may spend the rest of their lives trying to compensate for the damage.
Children of divorce are at greater risk of teenage pregnancy, dropping out of school, depression and divorce in their own marriages later on. They have higher rates of delinquency and anti-social behaviour than do children from intact families. The rate of admission of children of divorce to psychiatric hospitals may be twice as high as for children of intact families, according to one estimate.
Divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in childhood. Extensive surveys indicate that children of divorce, when grown up, are more likely to have problems in their own married life than are children of intact families. As adults, they are also more likely to be bothered by crying spells, insomnia, feelings of worthlessness, guilt and despair, say psychologists. Low self-esteem, depression, delinquent behaviour and persistent anger were some of the traits observed among many children of divorce.
Many parents have been eased down the road to divorce by a few widely touted clichés such as divorce is better for the kids than an unhappy marriage. Other examples include “just wait until the children are the right age to spare them any pain” and “kids bounce back from the trauma after only a couple of years.”
What Do the Kids Feel about Divorce?
When a child sees his or her family splitting up, he feels as if his entire world has got shattered. Young children may even conclude that parental divorce is their fault and that daddy went away because they were bad. This can give rise to severe emotional problems and guilt complex.
According to “Psychology Today” magazine, a recent five-year study of over 100 children of divorce revealed that divorce is not good for them at all. Even children in very unhappy homes did not want their parents to get divorced. Indeed, five years after the divorce most of these children were not happy and over one third were seriously depressed.
Contrary to what many people think, very few children of divorcing parents welcome the break-up. Most of them simply want to see their parents together as one family.
What About Older Children?
Older children handle divorce a little better than younger ones. When adolescents witness their parents’ divorce, they may suffer a deep disillusionment that sours their view of marriage and other institutions such as school. Some conclude that all human relationships are ultimately unreliable and doomed to unravel someday in betrayal and infidelity.
Thrown off balance in this way, some teenagers careen to wild extremes when their parents divorce. Some turn to drugs, some descend to sexual promiscuity while some run away from home. Others seem at first to take the parental divorce in stride, only to go through a delayed reaction many years later.
Children Do Not Deserve Divorce
When parents are fighting the divorce out, many of them just ignore the needs of the children because they are so immersed in their own problems. Thus, when contemplating divorce, keep in mind the spirituality and survival of your children. It is very important.
If one chooses to divorce, it should be borne in mind that the husband and wife—not the children—are getting divorced. The children still need both mom and dad for their emotional nourishment. Of course, there may be extreme circumstances such as when the child is in danger of suffering child abuse. But religious or personal differences should not be used to deprive children of the benefit of having two parents.
Also to be taken into account are the fragile emotions of young children and their need for ample reassurance, love, and affection. Parents should ensure that even after they have divorced, they maintain continuity in their upbringing. For the children, it should be business as usual. This will establish a very strong foundation for the rest of their life.
