The average time that one takes to move on completely post divorce, is between two to five years. This is of course an average calculation and not true in every case. It is true however, that post divorce trauma is a very real phenomenon and a painful time. To have to come to terms with the fact that a marriage is over and to start anew is a hard task. The constant reminder that one needs at this time is, that this too shall pass.
Accepting the Fact
The hardest part that most people face with divorce is accepting that the marriage is indeed over. There is always a bit of denial, a bit of clinging on and hoping that a spouse will come back. Tough as might be, one must face the reality of divorce to be able to move on. It is a sad time but not the end of the world. One must accept that which hasn’t worked out and believe that something better awaits us out there and it really does.
The Details
Once one has got around to actually accepting the reality of divorce, there are the details that have to be sorted out. Children are of paramount importance and arrangements for their lives should be made. A divorce also means dealing with financial settlements, making the necessary changes and actually beginning a new way of life. For a woman going back to her maiden name, also means making the changes in the relevant documents. The spouse moving out of the marital home has to find a new place and start over.
The Hurt
The reason divorce is so painful is because it is the end of something one gave a lot of love, care and attention to. A spouse is someone we share our most private thoughts with and trust completely. A divorce is the disintegration of a life we have built with a person. The hurt comes from broken promises and shattered confidence. One begins to feel like a failure for not being able to make a marriage work even if one is not at fault.
Counselling
It is a great idea to seek counselling to deal with post divorce trauma. While our friends and family do offer support, talking to a professional can be therapeutic. A professional will encourage a person to put negative emotions like anger, blame, shame, low self confidence etc. behind and look at things objectively. Being able to be objective about the divorce will help one understand that sometimes things were just not meant to be. Counselling can help give a person a sense of closure and re-gain confidence.
Getting Back in Shape
Since one’s self confidence takes a beating after a divorce, it doesn’t help if one is out of shape and feeling unattractive. Taking up some form of exercise is not just great for your body but also a stress buster. Feeling attractive again can help build self esteem and encourages one to be social again. Yoga is a great choice as it not only gets one fit but meditation can help calm frazzled nerves.
Pick up the Threads
Staying at home and feeling sorry for one’s self will not change the situation. It will just set you back that much more while your ex-spouse may have long since moved on. While the end of a marriage is traumatic, our sense of identity shouldn’t just come from that. Post divorce is a great time to take up interests you didn’t have time for or meet up with girlfriends and enjoy being single again. While one shouldn’t go overboard, indulging in a bit of shopping definitely won’t hurt. Many people like a change of location and find that a holiday can do wonders for the soul.
It Is Ok to Grieve but Move On
To be devastated by divorce is perfectly understandable. To hurt and want to weep buckets is natural. To want to plan revenge can also be therapeutic. The bottom line however is, to snap out of it eventually. A divorce is the end of a relationship and not the end of life. You need to give yourself a chance to allow another relationship to be created.
Conclusion
Only people who have gone through a divorce can fully empathise with someone who is going through one. It is also a person who has gone through a divorce and in a relationship again, who can tell you that there is life after a divorce. It helps to remember – “don’t cry because it is over, laugh because it happened.”
