We think that they don’t understand what is going on, they are too young to understand about love or heartbreak, marriage or divorce. But children understand, and can, at times, guess the outcome of the present trouble going on between their parents.
The younger a child is, the greater does he or she share the biological closeness with the mother, and sometimes with the father too. While the child may not exactly comprehend what is going on, he or she will be able to feel that something is wrong.
The Signs
- Whether you know it or not, there are certain personal habits that are part of your daily schedule and working habits as well. If mom and dad do not kiss each other on the way to work, or do not brush their teeth at the time they used to, these are noted by children.
- Shouting is not the only indication of a fight. Children note the puffy eyes, the stony silence and the mutual cold shoulder given to each other by couples undergoing an ‘amicable’ divorce.
- When couples stop communicating, the children are the first to note it. This does not mean not talking to each other, but a general lack of agreement and understanding, which is felt keenly by them.
- Your helplessness regarding the issue will be noted by them too. Parents are people who should protect them, guide them and who would know all the answers. But when you appear confused and lost yourself, they are terrified, as it changes the very order of their world.
- Children have their own logic systems. They will try to find answers and draw conclusions for themselves, sometimes with disastrous results.
How They React
How do you know when your children are worried? Unlike them, you do not have the time or frame of mind to observe each move since there is enough on your plate already. Below are some of the tell-tale signs of a child in distress.
- Unwillingness to eat or overeating
- Sleeping disorders. This may include oversleeping, insomnia, wetting the bed, nightmares and other signs of insecurity.
- Unable to concentrate on studies
- Reclusive behaviour. The child may withdraw and not interact with other children, or even with you.
- Sudden unwillingness to come home or avoid interaction with parents
All counsellors agree that you should not withhold the news from them. This is the most damaging thing that you can do.
- If you have a really good understanding with your spouse, and there are no obvious outward signs of the imminent disaster, then you can delay the news. Tell them that you need to stay apart, but that is not because you dislike each other or have had a fight.
- If it is not a very good situation, let them know of the decision as soon as you decide. Take your time in explaining your reasons in simple language, but let them know.
- Ideally, both of you must speak with them.
- Do not throw accusations at each other. Children are not foolish. If you explain that you disagree on certain points but that is not a fault of the ‘other’ person, they will actually follow the logic.
- If your spouse is having an affair, there is no need to tell the child unless he or she introduces the child to the other partner. Ensure that you do not portray any of them as monsters or villains, even if you personally feel that way.
- Do not take them out on a holiday or buy them gifts before or after breaking the news. Any moves to ‘bribe’ children are not taken kindly, and they know very well that the best toys cannot replace a parent.
- Control your emotions while letting them know. If you get hysterical, the child will be traumatised, whether he or she shows it or not.
- Avoid talking of the divorce in an ‘official’ way. You should not strike them as an unemotional creature who is unaffected by the havoc about to be wrought in their lives.
- If you are in love with someone else out of your marriage, and you are planning to take the child with you after divorce, it is important that you introduce the step-parent well in advance. It would be unfair on both to have the sudden change thrust on them.
- Make sure that the child does not blame himself or herself in any way for what has happened.
