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My weekends have felt strangely empty over the last two months. Not that I haven’t been busy – the traditional British summer barbecues have, as ever, been a permanent feature, as has lounging in beer gardens. I also recently acquired a rather delightful and gregarious Bichon Frise puppy called Bowie and, goodness knows, he’s kept me quite busy over the last few weeks! Despite me having been able to fill my free time effectively and having greatly enjoyed the summer, however, a weekend just doesn’t feel like a weekend without one of my greatest passions: football. I’ve done everything I reasonably could in order to fend off my withdrawal symptoms. I watched Wimbledon whenever I got the chance, visited the BBC’s football website dutifully in order to keep up on the latest multi-million pound transfers and even tried watching cricket. Nothing, though, could quite fill the gaping hole left by the absence of competitive football. That all changed this weekend with the commencement of The Football League, and I now have another 10 months of sporting action to look forward to. I am not alone in my love of what is often referred to as ‘the beautiful game’. Millions – if not billions – of men worldwide share exactly the same passion and it is far from uncommon for disgruntled wives to seek divorces because of their husband’s sporting addictions. Fortunately, my girlfriend has always been tolerant of my somewhat ‘unhealthy’ obsession – yes, she may ‘switch off’ when I attempt to discuss different formations or Cardiff City’s newest signing, but she’s never prevented me from watching a game, has stomached the inappropriate moodiness that came about following defeats and even attempted watching a game or two with me. Why then do so many relationships crumble as a result of men’s’ fixation with sport? The answer to this question is relatively straightforward: a lot of men put sport before their wives, their girlfriends, their families and their friends, following their chosen teams with the sort of devotion and fervour as that shown by religious fanatics. I genuinely believe that my girlfriend does not take issue with my love of football because she knows that she – and now Bowie – are far more important to me than any sport. In essence, whilst many men would refuse to go to lunch in order to celebrate the mother-in-law’s birthday in order to watch the ‘big game’, any man with a smidgeon of devotion and decency will take a free lunch and – like I did – excuse yourself every half hour or so to check the score (god bless the iPhone). As a result of my ability to prioritise, every few weeks I am given 90 minutes to shout at the television in a nonsensical manner, communicate through grunting only and, if necessary, sulk like a four year old child when things don’t go my way. On occasion, I’m even allowed to watch a game of football! As with all successful relationships then, men need to learn to compromise. It’s a hobby, not a way of life and putting anything before your partner or family is certain to end in separation or divorce. On a lighter note, Quickie Divorce has compiled its all-star divorced 11 – a team compiled solely of footballers who were divorced or divorced their partners in celebration of the new football season. Enjoy: Goalkeeper – David Seaman Seaman played over 400 games for Arsenal and was also capped by the English national team 75 times – earning the nickname ‘safe hands’ in the process. He’s also been divorced twice, most recently following an affair with former Dancing on Ice star Frankie Poultney. Seems he was just as susceptible to adultery as he was to long, lofted shots at goal then. Right Back – Sean Bean Ok, technically not a footballer, but the Lord of the Rings actor did play a professional player in ‘When Saturday Comes’. He’s also a lifelong fan of Sheffield United and having been divorced on no less than four occasions, he’s more than qualified to take his place in our dream team. We’re sure he’s more than capable of some ‘Sharpe’ gamesmanship. Left Back – Ashley Cole Who else could be chosen at left back but everyone’s favourite philanderer? Cole Married Cherly, one of the world’s most desired women, in 2006 and, seven allegations of infidelity later, the couple divorced in 2010. This ‘paragon of virtue’ also once claimed that an offer of £55,000 per week had left him trembling with anger, attempted to claim that a police officer’s speed gun was faulty when caught doing over 100 mph in a 50mph zone and also once shot a 21 year old student with an air rifle. Centre Half – Tony Adams Former England Captain Adams initiated divorce proceedings against his former wife, Jane, in 1996 following her having been treated for drug addiction. The Arsenal man – who served a two month prison sentence for drink driving offences in 1990 – later enjoyed a relationship with former model Caprice. This relationship didn’t last though, not least because Adams resembles the sort of thing you might see in a bad episode of Doctor Who. Right Midfield – Paul Merson Merson was an exceptionally gifted played. Unfortunately, he was also an alcoholic with a penchant for narcotics and gambling. His first wife, Lorraine, initiated divorce proceedings after discovering that her then husband had bet £10,000 on one game of snooker. His second wife, Louise, also filed for divorce as a result of his excessive gambling. Left Midfield – Rhodri Giggs Rhodri enjoyed a brief career with Torquay United as a youngster before disappearing into obscurity. He also filed for a divorce earlier this year when he discovered that his wife Natasha had been engaged in an 8 year affair with his older brother and Britain’s most decorated footballer, Ryan Giggs. Talk about sibling rivalry. Centre Midfield – Ray Parlour Not the most talented of players, Parlour was nevertheless a steady and reliable player who was capped by England ten times. Parlour’s divorce from wife Karen, however, was ground-breaking with the courts awarding the former Mrs Parlour over a third of all his future earnings. At least you’ll be remembered for something, Ray. Centre Midfield – Paul Gascoigne Gascoigne married his childhood sweetheart Sheryl in 1996 and was divorced – having previously admitted to beating her continuously for two years – in 1998. Gascoigne has since undergone treatment for bulimia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder and alcoholism and was dropped from ITV’s ‘I’m a Celebrity … Get Me out of Here!’ in 2009 following him having failed a psychiatric test before filming began. Forward – Diego Maradona Still regarded by many as the greatest football player of all time, the diminutive Argentine’s divorce from wife Claudia was finalised in 2004, following which he admitted to having fathered a love child whilst the couple were still together. The pair had exchanged vows in 1989 and survived Maradona’s relationship with both the Italian mafia and cocaine prior to separating as a result of their marriage having irretrievably broken down. Forward Thierry Henry No one has scored more goals for Arsenal or the French national team than Henry. Unfortunately, his marriage to English model, Claire Merry, wasn’t quite as successful. The Couple married in 2003 before Merry filed for divorce in 2007 when she found what were later described as ‘racy texts’ to another woman on Henry’s phone. Merry was later awarded an £8 million pound settlement when the couple’s divorce was finalised in 2008. Sacre bleu! Forward – Gary Lineker Widely regards as football’s ‘Mr Nice, Lineker married Michelle Cockayne in 1986 before the couple filed for an amicable divorce in 2006. Unsurprisingly for a man that still helped his parents on their fruit and veg stall whilst at the height of his powers; the couple’s divorce was perfectly serene and went by without a hitch. Lineker did agree to a £3 million settlemtn, however, and now needs to appear in crisp adverts for the rest of his life as a result.